Silence
by iskry
Summary: Told from Sara's point of view. She is soon to leave for England and is reflecting...
1. silence

**author's note** Thank-you for coming to read this story! I hope you enjoy it, even though it is still a long way before it is finished! 

Just to give you an idea, this story is told from what I would hope Sara's point of view. She is soon to leave for England and is reflecting back on her feelings for _him,_ confusing trying to make sense of all that she is feeling so that she can make the right choice...

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Silence

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Ch.1

Standing by the window, I can hear the rain fall and watch it. I am held in the trance by the scent. The wind rushes in through the windowsill mingling my tears and rain together. Yes, I am crying and watching the leaves from trees being tossed back and forth in the wind against the dreary sky. 

My heart... it hurts.

Ever since I've found this love, all my heart has felt is pain, for it should not be there. This love that can never bloom, though it has emerged from barren soil and is the most beautiful flower of all. Yet forbidden. But perhaps, this is what true love is. Ignoring all else but the feeling deep inside.

It's as though I can feel his breathe hot against my neck and I touch the very spot. It was just the wind. I embrace myself and imagine myself to be in his arms. Him whispering in my ear all the words I long to hear but can not.

I am the worst sinner of all, I know that. A faint light catches on the gem on my ring glistening in the pale lights of my room. It is sparkling, as the tears in my eyes must be now. The wind sounds as though it is trying to tell me a message and I am willing to hear but it dies away. 

I watch in the rain fall from in my room, holding the ring he had given to me until the the night comes and lulls me to dreams, where we can be together even for just a moment and not be scared. Beautiful dreams come to me as I sleep...

~~~

The morning's light awakens me and I find that I am still clutching the ring. I feel strange and I see a shadow standing by the door.

"Sara, eat before we leave."says mother in a false cheerful expression and each word draws a tear from my eyes as well as my heart, which is already bleeding.

"It's for your own good, as well as for setsuna's," mother tries to reason and I let her think I too am convinced by her way of thinking,"you will see one day, you will thank me... the both of you..." 

Somehow times seems to pass by all to quickly. I keep hoping that Setsuna will show up and say good-bye. But he doesn't. I walk out the door to a world that no longer seems simple and a fairy-tale land but a harsh condemning place where if you are not uniform to other's way of thinking or to society you are cast off as no good and labelled as bad. 

A strange young girl that I have met is waiting for me outside. She is quite pretty and I hope that Setsuna will notice her if the both of us can not be together. A voice speaks to me telling me to let go of what I can not have. I place the ring in her hand and leave, feeling as though I am leaving a part of myself behind... I look at her once more and see her staring at the ring, saying something to herself, then looking at up at me. Something strange in her eyes...

Time passes by in moments unbearable to live through. Mother keeps talking to me, as if the silence will shatter my resolve. I also believe that. As if in a dream I am leaving the place of my childhood and the one person who matters the most. But, it is a reality and in this regard if I am being taken away from whom matters most I will no longer love.

See the birds fly in that air...

**__**

Sara, are you alright?

"No, I am not. My heart... it hurts more than before." I whisper softly answering to a ghostly memory of so long ago.

We arrive at the airport and I turn my head, hoping for a single glimpse.

"Sara, we must go!" says mother gently grabbing a hold of me by the elbow leading me inside. Breathing in deeply, trying to hold my composure together as I feel tearing emotions inside of me. Please, God, even though you haven't answered my prayers before, help me to not turn back. Please. A passing cloud hides the sun as if teasing me.

Yes, I will go with mother to a new life, erasing all my mistakes from my mind. Perhaps someone will even love me, even if I can not love them. I look at my hand, imagining my ring on my ringer. Tears that are not really there flow freely. 

Mother looks at me strangely as though expecting me to show more resistance. She lets go of my arm and keeps looking at me. Mother takes my hand in her own and Her eyes are filled with tears and my eyes widen as I hear her whisper into my ear faintly,"I'm sorry."

Yes, I am too for I realize how I had ignored everyone else's feelings except for my own. 

**__**

I really don't want... to hurt you.

  
Sara, it's time to leave.... Final words to help me accept what I have been struggling against. He hasn't come, so he spoke the truth when he said he didn't want me. I believe now.

"Ok..." We being to walk further away from the past and closer to a different future. See how the clouds clear from the sky.

****

Why can't you love me? Why do you only see...

"SARA!" 

Oh god...no, are you so cruel? I can't turn around now, I promised I wouldn't. Not when I've finally accepted it! Setsuna...turn away from me. Take anyone who crosses your path except for me. I can't go back! I can't....Oh God...!


	2. quietude

***So many notes, but anyways I noticed a big boo boo in the layout of the story. There are special phrases and sentences that are supposed to be bold and they are not. Hopefully I fixed the problem for this chapter! Why does Microsoft Word hate me so much? -_-;

** Sorry for the small wait for the second chapter. The wait for the third shouldn't be that long since I have already begun working on it. Yes, there are going to be a few more chapters to the story. I fixed up the problem with the first chapter that was mentioned to me. Thank-you for bringing it to my attention.

~~ I also have another story that I will be posting up soon, and yes it has to do with AS again. Anael and Zaphie-kun, after that a small story about Shatiel. The ideas just keep coming, don't they? 

*Also the dialogue that I used I got from www.jahannam.net, since Yukie translates super but I don't want her to come after me with knives or anything ^^; I just changed a few things to go more smoothly with the story line. Thanks goes to Yukie!!

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Silence

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Ch. 2

So he has come.

What am I to do? As I stand here in disbelief, it is as though my blood has become ice, and yet still it manages to scald me. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore. I don't want to hurt mother with my words, and most of all I don't want to hurt him…

Setsuna keeps calling my name, but I keep my back to him. I want to walk away, harden myself to him. But then as I am about to walk away men come after him. The police? Why, what has he done? Onni-chan, always manages to get into trouble, he always did when he was little. Yet when ever he was around I felt the most safe, and loved… Setsuna…

I fight the urge to turn towards him. Closing my eyes, covering my ears with my hands, to drown out the sound of his voice. I can see those spiteful angels laughing at me, and with their holy visage, I can hear the holy bells beating frantically! Teasing me and taunting me. I can hear them call me the worst above all! Their laughter seems to circle around me, trying to drown me…

Mother is asking the men questions that I can vaguely hear. Their responses are muddled. I don't hear them. My heart is beating frantically. If I turn around, I will never be able to turn away! The sky darkens, as if to rain. The heavens are teasing me, too… I don't want it to rain! I want there to be sun, something to help guide me away, to help me make the right choices, for all I've been making are the wrong ones. And I can't face him.

"Setsuna!" Mother says in disbelief. He ignores her, calling to me. I try to fight back my response.

Mother takes me by the arm and we begin to leave and I feel that she is weak and trembling, a strange look in her eyes. I try to pretend to forget that he is behind me. My eyes are brimming with tears and my heart is screaming for me to turn around. Do not let go out love, something within me screams!

**I can hear them,**

"Sara! I love you!" he cries out and it takes me a moment to realize what he has said. The words settle in, and I start to tremble. No, more… I can't hear this anymore, my heart is breaking. People around us are standing, watching, and whispering. Their cold eyes on me, judging me to be worthless … the both of us. Labeling us the worst of all.

****

Those spiteful angels,

"This is the first and last time that I'm going to say this," he cries out, as if unaware of everyone else but him and myself, "So listen to me!"

"Leave the words unspoken" I whisper quietly, "Don't hurt yourself by saying this, for I already know them. They live in my heart unspoken and let them stay that way."

****

With their beautiful faces that enchant

"I love you."****

You don't have to say such things; words that will only one day serve to hurt us. My hands tremble, and I bring them to my face to find that there are tears there. I can't stop them… I am helpless to stop… Why is my body disobeying me like this? I…

****

Their beguiling voices…

"I've loved you ever since I can remember, and it's troubled me since. I tried to like other girls … but it doesn't work. I only love you! Now and forever, even though I know that I can never make you happy with a forbidden love!"

Speak hatefully to me

No … I could be happy, I could. But it would hurt all those around us. I can't be selfish anymore! I can't think of myself only. Because … in the end I would be the one who to hurt you! And I love you too, but I can't do that sort of thing! 

****

Whispering and laughing

"But even if it is a sin and if we will go to hell, I don't want to lie to myself anymore! I'm selfish. Sara, I don't want to hand you over to anyone else. I'll even kill you as long as I'm with you. I'll be happy, because then we won't be able to see each other anymore."

****

Blinding me with their holy light

"Please listen to me one last time. I love you Sara! Leave with me!"

I can hear the wind whisper to me. Speaking a message to my heart. Shaking inside. Unsure and afraid, not knowing what to do anymor! My mind tells me one thing, but my hearts speaks the opposite! I feel I am being torn inside. I want mother to be happy, but I too want to be happy. Worst of all I want everyone who witnessed what Onni-chan said to go away. Their dirty minds are trying to penetrate my mind, their eyes burning my skin, trying to make me do what my heart would cry out in pain against!

****

They have completed their judgment…

Before my eyes comes a memory. Of when mother and daddy has separated. Setsuna leaving while I stood out by the window as the heavens cried. His back to me, turned around and walking away…

"Sara" I hear him whisper. With a look of sadness so great he begins to turn around, the men holding him by his arms turn to lead him away. The memory of Setsuna of then seems to blend, combine together…

Without thinking I cry out for Onni-chan, "Brother, wait! Don't leave me, please turn around! Don't ignore me!"

I turn to mother and see her looking so sad, as though I have hurt her deeply. Hugging her to my heart, for I've always loved mother even though I haven't always said so. She was only trying to protect me.

"Gomen ne." I say quietly to her as I hold her in my arms. Yet mother not understanding tries to take me by the arm, to pull me away.

I understand… I understand, Sara! Good girl, Sara, let's go…" she says. I must go now. Pushing her away I run to the one who matters the most to me. Not caring anymore, for my love for Setsuna would lead me to him.

"Brother wait for me! Don't leave, turn around and look at me like always. That smile … Hold me and do not leave. Hold me in your arms and never let go, for if you do. I'd likely kill you and then myself. For there is no God, no heaven or hell … only that which we make for ourselves." I mean everything that I say, but a portion of me is scared that he will not turn around. That it is too late and once again I have lost him!

Stunned he turns around, his sad expression disappearing and once of delicate happiness comes forward. I go into his arms and he receives me, not pushing me away as deep inside I had feared. Breathing in his scent, I feel myself beginning to cry all over again.

"I don't want anything. God's blessing, church bell tolls, or a white bouquet. I don't want it! I only want brother. Never let me go or else I would kill you and myself!" I say to him as the tears come.

"Let's leave Sara!" he says me to, pressing me against his heart. Feeling as if I am in a dream, a bitter sweet fairy-tale. Mother calling for us to stop. We can't. We must love or die!

I am sorry. I really am selfish. I could have left with mother and let time heal our wounds. Yet I couldn't do that. I am too selfish, wanting this love from this person before me and no other.

"Setsuna!" yells a voice from behind us. Kira-sempai! Yes, he surely would be here to help! Onni-chan catches a small packet thrown to him and an explosion erupts from around us. Some spread through the terminal and we use this opportunity to run away. Together.

We quickly hail down a taxi and we hurriedly both get inside. Setsuna is startled and blushes when I lay my head on his shoulder. Tears still drying on my face but he reaches into his pocket for a handkerchief and wipes them away. His eyes are so gently and his expression so soft, making want to cry even more.

We keep silent on the short ride, still in shock and absorbing all that has happened in so short a time. We pull in front of the station and the driver demands his fare, waiting impatiently as Setsuna gets his money.

The moment I step out, there is a sudden gust of wind. The sky is so clear, not darkened by any clouds. I am beginning to understand its song. 'Hold the one whom you hold so dear to your heart. For this is love and never turn away for there is always hope…'

In this world there is only one who I love. Setsuna. When he looks at me and hold me close to him I can hear his heart beat and he can hear mine. Drowning out everything else, you are the only one that I see. For now you know that my heart beats for you alone. I live for you only.


	3. reflections

*Well after a long time I've finally gotten around to finishing this chapter... ^^; I had major writer's block and then the chapter was going too long so I divided it up. Anyways this is more of an introspective point in the story, more so than any of the others. Hope you enjoy it, because I had an interesting time writing it. lol. ^_^

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Silence

Chapter 4

Memories they come and go as they please. Some stay forever and others vanish as soon as one grasps to reach them. Illusive and taunting. I wish there were no such things as memories. That people could go on and relive... not on dwell and sigh in wistfulness. 

But on the other hand one may have nothing but memories to sustain them. Memories of loved ones now gone and past. They keep them living till that day when they may meet again. Somewhere over the shadow kingdom there must lie one of light. Of course there must be, for there is darkness there must be light.

Sadness and rejoice.

Suffering and Euphoria.

They all go hand in hand.

We all come across and experience these, because in the end we are able to say that we have been through all this and we are better people for it. I have not turned away and run. Though sometimes I wish I have had. Though isn't it true that sometimes it's better to run away and hide? Wait for another day, for there is such a thing as odds too great? I believe that. But I then if I do and run everytime I am scared and unsure then I am being a coward. And a coward dies many deaths.

There is much to be wished for. Much to be had. Sometimes we are ungrateful of the things we have, and when they are taken away, all that remains is the constant thought and wishes of what was once there to be returned. It offered comfort when it was there and there was a sense of normalcy with its presence.

But there was never peace with him there, and there was never peace without him. His presence gave me comfort, his absence heartache. Others thought of him as a nuisance, tearing at the loose bindings of what remained of our family. They thought that revenge for him would be to destroy what was left.

That was not true. He only sought to try and cling to the remnants, as did I, and it is in that where we found each other. But... it wasn't possible. Mother hated him, cursing the day of his birth, crying through tears that he only wanted to hurt us. That he only brought misfortune and suffering.

Even when he had saved my life when I was young and lead astray, there was fault found in him. Sometimes I think to myself wouldn't it had been better if I had been attacked by that man? But then blame would fall on him for not saving me.

****

Save me from myself

And all that torments me lives on. Though I try to silence it, put a quell to it in my heart. I manage too... and I have managed too. Partially. There is nothing. Nothing but what I feel. the purest of emotions, but I am constantly reminded that these emotions should not exist. Not at the magnitude that they do, at least. But I can't.

So.

So I could not run away today. Not leave the one that I care for the most because I was frightened. That would not be an act of love. It would be escaping a situation that I do not care to deal with. It would be abandoning him. And I love him. I can't deny that anymore. Despite what others may say to convince me otherwise.

I was told that I would be thrown into hell for this love. But they make a mistake in telling me this. For I would go to hell for eternity willing because of one moments touch and kiss. A moment of warmth that would be following by my being struck down and feeling pain forever. But the ghost of the moment would help sustain me. The memory of the kiss upon my lips and the touch of his hand against my skin.

Call me a sinner and tell me that I am damned to hell. That I deserve to never feel happiness again or look upon the moon. We had meant to only salvage our family but had found nothing but each other. 

And before us lay a river that had once been pristine white, laced with iridescent blue. Now it is polluted with fifth from words long ago utters but still lingered in the air. As one peers into the black depth, reflected back are memories best forgotten. The water consists of bitter tears. There is not joy in this place. Only despair. I find myself in a place where I do not want to be.

And I only want to be with him in the end.

God is truly sadistic. Finding pleasure in putting others through pain. But he said he loves us and that he cares. Imagine that the one I care for the most is the one most forbidden. But if I hadn't this love then I would kill myself and defy God. Willingly, as I said, and go to hell.

I remember when I was young I used to always be scared and depend on others. In turn others had to pay the price for my foolishness. Yes I admit that I acted foolish and still do. Though, now that I am older and have come to face what I have, I know think of myself being more aware. With this awareness I think that I am slowly beginning to make choices... better than I have done in the past. No matter how much they may hurt others, it is for a much greater cause. The cause of my love.

Will I lie and say that much of what I have done was not in selfishness? The selfishness of the love, that I wanted for myself and none other. I will not. But can I say that within myself... that I do not feel shame? A sense of wrong in what I am doing? Within myself, I feel that everything is a cruel joke. That I should love the one who is not allowed. That he should love me. That people look down upon us for our love, which should not be. I know it should not be, there is no point in telling me that, for I already know.

But.

It's like standing on the shore and commanding the tides to stop rushing forth, because you wish it so. No. My heart knows only of the love and the mind speaks of what has been impressed upon it. But I look past everything as best I can, reaching out for the only sure thing that I have. And that is him, Setsuna, and the love that we have for one another.

Wrong or right. There is not wrong or right. There is only what I believe to be the truth. And I will seek the truth. I will see it soon. Because there is nothing left for us, except the road that leads us away from our past, where we can go to our Eden and build ourselves a new life. Away from God. Away from heaven and hell. That which will exist will be what lays before us. And then there will be something.


	4. sin

******* Well finally after so long here is the fourth chapter. This took me forever to write and then it took me forever to edit and then I had to rewrite it and so on and so forth. Anyways, this should last me until about fall and then I'll have more free time and see if I can finish the story and begin to post Wandering~~*working title* It's about Anael, Zaphie-kun, and Lailah and that's enough said about that. Anyways I hope you like the story. I did my best.

**Ahh *sweatdrop* umm, if you are easily offended or are a religious zealot then this might not be the story or chapter for you. There is some slight (well a bit more than slightly but nothing excessive) content here. Love it or hate it. If you hate it, you are at least advised not to read this story.****

**Silence. 4    Fallen**

**Do you feel it? Truthfully, sense the oncoming emotion?**

It is nearly sun set, and we are far away. So far away from where we first began ... before everything started. And it is so quiet; the silence is almost pulsing. The presence is known, and felt. Then split through by the sound of the train going over the tracks. And that itself is a low hum. He doesn't say anything and neither do I. I am afraid, you see, that I may say something wrong. And then the spell would be broken. I can only sit here and admire what I have in front of me, and look around in wonderment.

Most everything is generously bathed in the light of the setting sun, though I sit in the slight shadows. Looking out the windows I see the scenery rush past us, and it feels like we ourselves are at a standstill and it is the world itself that is moving past us. There are gentle greens of the trees and the grass and the golden reflections upon the lakes and rivers which I see off in the distance. Birds flying lazily overhead, not concerned that a day has past, for there is always tomorrow, and as of this moment ... there is only the here and now.

Thinking all of this and seeing all this, I smile to myself, spreading out my hands on my lap. No longer clenching them into tight fists, I can now relax. A little. Nodding to myself in thought, out of the corner of my eye I see him glance at me and quickly avert his eyes. I feel strange ... inside. Like a sudden swell of happiness has woken and risen within me. I can't help but cast my gaze upon him again.

He looks ethereal. The fading lights bring out the beauty that I see within him. The gentleness, which he possesses, is at this moment brought out and made apparent to the eyes. I want to reach out and touch him, but am almost afraid that if i do, he will vanish. I lean forward, putting away my fears and take his hand within my own. Warm, inviting, soft. He's still here, not gone, and with his other hand his other hand he covers mine.

**This strange emotion...**

"Setsuna…" I start to say but I find myself at lose for words, but his understanding eyes tell me that he knows what I want to say. There's no need to say it, if it's felt already. He releases my hand, reaching into his pocket, and takes out a small packet along with some money. Glancing up at me, he pauses as if telling my to wait a moment. I sit and watch him intently, as he takes out three earrings.

"But brother is not a girl!" I cry out jokingly as I watch him put them in. I can tell he takes this seriously in the way he glances up at me and purses his mouth in distaste of what I've just said. Sheepishly I lower my head slightly, but I continue to watch with observant eyes. Setsuna's expression is one of amusement when I catch his eye, but he doesn't smile. And it is for that smile that I long for.

"Well, what do you think?" he asks slowly, as if daring my to tease him again. The corners of his mouth twitch as he struggles to keep from smiling. Setsuna leans back holding the items in his hand, looking up trying to seem non-chalant. Cool. Yet, somehow missing the mark slightly, instead making me turn red as I try and hold off the laughter.

"Onnichan does look cute with earrings." I say quietly, carefully, trying to draw a smile out of him, but instead he takes on an injured and reproachful look, waving his hand as though to cancel out something that I had said. I start to lean back, but as I do I catch sight of a faint glimmer, in his now outstretched hand...

**It envelops the entire being**

And my heart stops momentarily. How, I think to myself, does he have it now? Hadn't I given it to that girl? I could see what she felt, what she thought by looking in her eyes. She wanted the ring, though she didn't fully realise it. All the same, everything else disregarded she gave it to him. Despite everything I had said and done, she saw through all my words and saw that my heart was breaking as I let go of the only thing I had of his. This child's ring that I received so long ago when we both were small and was the most precious thing that I had. And is.

As of this moment, there is nobody else in this world, but for Setsuna and I. The worlds could stop and I wouldn't have noticed. All I see is the smile that plays on his lips that reaches his eyes. Sparkling. Right now nothing else matters but that smile, those lips, those eyes. All the troubles that we had faced and will face are extinguished. It is of that, which I am sure of.

"Let me hold you hand, Sara, and listen to me. Don't call me brother anymore, it's Setsuna," his eyes search mine and he tightens his grasp on my hand as I nod my head. Holding tighter as though trying to hold onto me for life. Almost as though I am the only one he has left in this world and doesn't want me to disappear.

"I won't tell you again."

**I need to hear you say it again.**

I look away from him and out the window for a moment. Walk down this path, it's yours to take, I tell myself and bite my lower lip.

**What?**

It's always been my choice I know that. Known it all along in some way or another. I turn back to look at him quickly. A small smile, I listen to what he has to say for his words do offer something. Hopes, dreams and comfort.

**That you love me...**

I reach to cover his hand with my own, but he takes hold of it. In his other hand he holds the ring and I feel strange inside and light-headed. As though this wasn't quite real and that I would awake from a dream if I broke this moment. Alone in my room, only to die when I realised that it was just a dream. But it isn't one at all, his next words confirm just this.

"Let us elope and go t a place far away. Where God can't touch us and there is only the two of us." Staring into me, into my eyes the same as his. Within them I could see what he was saying, what it meant not only to him but to the both of us, for in his eyes I saw that he was drinking in my own. What I mean to him and what he sees in mine, I hope, is enough. Through the tears he will be able to see into me, into my soul and realise that he is the only thing that compels me to live on each day.

"Setsuna"

I flounder, searching for all the right words yet all I find are weak ones. I don't want to use those. The words I was to use, and there are so many caught in my throat, and I can only nod my head slightly. Not breaking the connection with his eyes in which a fire lights and begins to burn.

He looks down, poignantly at my hand and I loser my gaze to see what he is urging me to see. Within his right hand, my ring lies there. The low lights of the encrouching evening reflecting from the gem onto our faces. Casting a glow upon everything. Taking my hand closer, I watch as he slips on my fourth finger, as though in marriage. I can hear my heart, feel the blood rushing through me, everything that makes me human, which in turn allows me to feel what I do. I welcome the feeling of the cool yet familiar metal against the warmth of my skin.

**Blame me for what I feel.**

This is my Eden.

...

I barely slept that night in the car, only to stare out the window and look up at the unchanging skies. Trying in vain to count the innumerable stars the lay witness to this happiness and peace that I've found. Too many. Yet, of stars were meant to be counted... then they would be? Wouldn't they? Or would we even want to know?

I don't know, of that I am unsure. Still I am afraid, thoughts swim around me. The air is thick of them. Setsuna with his head against the window sleeps easily and I am in awe of him. How could anyone feel tired enough to sleep on a night like this? There will never be another one like this, though I may see thousands of others. Though, unfazed by everything, still his eyes remain closed. His chest raises and falls with his breathing. A small frown forms on his lips as he dreams of things I will never know.

The remnants of the night rush past us, with what seems barely a thought given. Though within myself I sense something like foreboding. A dark shadow lingering in the recesses of my mind, not ready to take full form or to takes it's appearance. Waiting and biding it's time, because of this I felt slightly uneasy. I try to clear away this feeling by looking at my ring. The symbol of my hopes, my dreams. The symbol of mostly everything in my life.

I watched as the sun rose form the horizon, and before that I did realise that it was true that it was darkest before dawn. I found that morning star that I've heard so much about but never actually seen with my own eyes. I pressed my finger against the glass, where it stood transfixed in it's place in the sky, like I could almost touch it. Slowly I saw the world awaken and come alive with the skies turning brilliant colours as it emerged from its sleep.

**Good bye to the night I'll never see again...**

Not much longer after day break Setsuna woke up slowly, reluctantly. Impulsively I got up and sat next to him, to help aide in waking him up. I brushed my lips against the soft skin of his lips across his cheeks. I drew away a bit and whispered into his ear sweet nothings that made him smile sleepily. He opened his eyes as I stroked his hair from his forehead and rested my other on his shoulder

"Morning Sara... Imouto" he whispered jokingly and I stiffened for a moment. Shooting him a look I moved away. I reached out and pinched his arm as hard as I cold and he cried out in pain trying to make a show. I stuck my tongue out at him before I turned away from his laughter but as I did he pulled me to him and held me in his arms. I looked up at him fiercely, trying to pretend to be mad at him and he stopped and bowing his head onto my neck.

"You do know I was only joking, don't take things so seriously always Sara." He said softly, his breath tickling the skin on my neck as he spoke. I kept silent but leaned my head back slightly and sighed heavily. His arms around me, tightened slightly and I could feel the warmth coming off of him. I could sense the scent of him and I closed my eyes as I began to hum gently.

I wish so many times, for so many things. I find soon enough that they don't matter. Nothing really does, when compared to this. I remember when I was younger crying when I wanted something, thinking I would die if I could not have it. I'd think to myself that once I did get it I'd be happy. Yet, when I did get it I was only happy for a little while and then I'd forget about it, wanting something else that would make me happy.

When I finally opened my eyes, I realised that I had fallen asleep as well as Setsuna. I unwrapped his arm from around me and began to poke him with my finger trying to make him wake up. His eyebrows furrowed and he frowned as I continued to try and wake him up.

"Setsuna, wake up! We have to get off soon and you're still sleeping," I said." We have to get off in less than half an hour. You're so lazy."

"You complain too much." Setsuna murmured under his breath opening his eyes slightly to look at me and closed them.

"You're one to talk!" I replied indignantly as I stood up and grabbed hold of his hand pulling him to his feet. All the while he complained about how tired he was as I said nothing else. Instead I feel back on the seat and listened to him rhapsodize and shook my head.

"What?" he asked as he stopped talking and noticed me sitting. He reached overhead and took down some of our baggage from the compartment but stopped to look at me.

"Nothing, nothing..." I trailed off and then I started to laugh slightly. Setsuna stood there and watched me with a bemused expression and shrugged. I reached out and grabbed hold of his free hand and shook it as fiercely as I could.

"What was that for?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow and taking his hand back as if suspecting some sort of trick. I smiled sweetly at him and got up, linked my arm through his.

"Agreement that you take me to an amusement park! I haven't been to one in the longest time and you have to make it up to me, don't you? But so do I come to think of it... Hah, but anyways I miss the feeling you get as you fly through the air, screaming in excitement as you come rushing back towards earth. Don't you, Setsuna? It makes me fee the most alive!"

Seeing what this meant to me he agreed and we finally got ready to get off. Surely enough the train began to slow down and soon enough we reached the station and were able to get off. As we stepped down to the platform, there was a blast from the train whistle. The both of us stood there and watched as the train began to pull away. Into the dim lights of the morning and cutting through the cool, dewy air we stood there and listened as another lone, mournful whistle called back, as though wishing us "good luck and Godspeed."

Once the train had left I was better able to take a look around me and it was clear that today was going to be a busy one... not unlike the rest. The station was already starting to bustle with early morning commuters, all rushing about with harried looks about them. I felt bad for them, for the fact that they seemed to let the fact that life was passing by them and they didn't seem to notice or care. Almost like they have long ago forgot that there was something else out here in this world, but they have come to terms with this sad existence. Trapped in a tiny world that wouldn't permit them to actually stand still and think for themselves. To be able to reach out for their dreams.

Men went around with impeccable suits, young women with tired but pretty faces had small children standing with them and clinging to their skirts. Older women in clusters gossiping with each other and sharing bits of news and observations.

Yes. No matter where you went you could be sure to find this scene everywhere. I felt strong arms encircle my middle and I leaned my head back against Setsuna's shoulder, knowing it was him. I wanted to be comforted, for I felt sad. Sadness for all these people. I could see why they called the youth the dreamless generation, but it doesn't apply to only us... It extends to all people but we are all affected in different ways.

"Let's go."

"Okay."

He let go of me and put his arm about my shoulder to make me face him. I tried to avoid looking into his eyes, almost instantly feeling uneasy and nervous. Absentmindedly I twisted the straps of the bag I was holding.

"Don't be scared, Sara. It will all be okay," Setsuna tried to reassure me as if reading my thoughts and sensing my uneasiness.

**Won't it?**

He walked ahead of me as I trailed behind him but looked back once more. Not at the people, but at the railways tracks. Stretching out to an unknown destination... I had only gone so far. I feel it's not far enough though...

"Sara?" I turned back and quickened my pace as Setsuna waited for me. He hailed down a taxi. An old man pulled up with a kind smile, and a kind face. Cheerfully he got out of the car and put our bags into the trunk as we sat down in the back. He got in and cast a look to us via the rear view mirror and began to talk and ask us questions not really waiting for us to give an answer.

"Oh yeah, where to?" he asked and he listened carefully as Setsuna gave him instructions.

"Where you from? Tokyo? Osaka? I've been to Tokyo a few times, but I don't like it very much, too much cement and not enough trees. It's too sterile... Too cold in a way. A city need trees and flowers. It needs a more positive element. Then the people will be happier."

Setsuna nodded as the driver continued to talk, but he shot me an amused look and continued to look straight ahead. I smiled as the driver glanced back at us through his mirror.

"Kind of young aren't you? And by yourselves too, do your parents know you are here?" he raised his eyebrows.

Inwardly I sighed a bit, and shook my head as Setsuna came up with some believable story. I held his hand in my own, intertwining my fingers with his, not paying any attention to what the driver was talking about. Everything seemed so bright and strangely animated. Light almost blinding so that I had to squint and lower my head to shade my eyes from the brightness that seemed to resonate from all around.

I fell asleep, having not slept much at all. I dreamt of strange things that I can't recall very well. Only some details remain but those are hazy and vague. Yet I can still recall that I saw swirling colours of red and black in a dark place filled with sad faced. Living in what seemed the dreary depth of earth, deep in the abyss. Often I've heard that you can't feel true sensations when you dream. You don't feel pain, true sadness, pleasure, or happiness. Yet, in this dream, everything felt so very real. I can remember that even though can't remember much anything else. And after that I remember the slight scent of water, like standing in front of a beach that stretches on for miles… except I don't remember the water, but only the sense of being there.

And here I woke up, kind hands awakening me. Slowly and reluctantly I opened my eyes and Setsuna helped me climb out of the cab while the driver got our bags from the trunk. The whole while the driver talked cheerfully and handed over our baggage to Setsuna, who paid him the fare.

Good-bye and I hope you like it here. It isn't a bad place after all!" he called out and waved to us before he drove off. What an amusing man, I thought to myself. On impulse, I grabbed my bag from Setsuna and ran into the hotel lobby. It was darker and dimmer inside - not to mention cooler. Though it was far from being like home was in Tokyo, this place had a sense of being more pleasant and calm than anywhere else ever had. More than anywhere I had been before or known.

Led up to our rooms, we began to put away our belongings. Folding my clothing carefully into drawers that creaked loudly in protest as they were opened, making me wince and grit my teeth. Once finished I sat down in an overstuffed plush chair with a flourish and threw my arm over my head, catching a few strands of my hair in-between my fingers.

"Tired? Don't want to go out after all? Setsuna questioned as he finished putting away his own things, somehow managing to close the drawers without them making the irritating, grinding noise. Immediately I perked up and shook my head saying no.

"Never to tired to do anything," I replied and stood up putting my hands on my hips, standing akimbo," You might try and get out of our deal. I'm too clever for your tricks." With that I grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at him, not really meaning to hit him but managing to get him on the head. His hair all messy, standing up and ruffled and he had a silly grin on his face.

"Yeah, you are to smart for me. Have me all figured out, apparently." Setsuna answered back and the next moment I blinked I found myself being dragged down the hallway, our door still wide open behind us. Setsuna's hand clutching mine as we walked on. Into the elevator, stopping at the third floor for a lady to get on.

Get off and walk out of the building and outside. Feeling invigorated we broke into a run. Laughing, feeling happy. Although...

No! I won't let myself think dark thoughts, I tell myself, scolding myself. This is a time for me to be happy and to smile. Not let pessimistic thoughts wander about aimlessly in my mind, polluting the best times and making be doubtful. Feel anything but suspicion, I tell myself. See the clouds in the sky have vanished. Nothing is there to make me feel uneasy.

Throughout the rest of the day we walked on, eventually finding the amusement park that I had bothered him about. Smiling, I clung to his arm as I pointed out the rides, squealing with delight when he won me a plushie. Riding the merry go round in endless circles, children sitting around us yelling back and forth to each other. On top of the carousel, feeling as though I were on top of the world. Not effected by the rules people down below had to follow. Feeling exempt from it. The sun faded into the night. A walk of the boardwalk, glowing with lamps standing all around and lanterns strung up above us...so surreal.

**Words fall meaningless**

Talking to each other and never once did our hands lose hold of each other. He kept me anchored to him, when that night I would have otherwise floated away. Into the night sky. Eyes that never lost contact as we stood there. Then came the kiss that wiped all the tears I hadn't realised I was crying.

**Tears that do not exist in sadness**

Eyes half shut, feverish. In that room we stood there. Standing and looking out the windows. His arms around my shoulders, standing right behind me. Not speaking, just looking out there, the lights of the buildings standing out vibrantly ... Such a sharp contrast to the darkness that was this night. Cars passing through the streets with only their headlights visible, the only indication of their presence. Hands that caress my cheek. Watching the bridge, standing over the dark pool of water, and where the sky ends and the water begins I don't know. His head lowered against my shoulder. Fingers that loosen and tighten their grip.

**Indecisive**

I lower my eyes, looking down at the floor. The shadows that lay there are elongated and exaggerated. Lazily following each slight movement, following me as I raise my arm slightly and touch his arm. He greets this by holding my closer to him. Lips that brush against the side of my neck, sending an electric sensation shooting through my skin that makes me shiver. Carefully I brush my hair back and tilt my head slightly to the left as he kisses me again on the very spot, only longer.****

"Setsuna..." I half whisper in a small voice and he turns me to face him. I pull away, leaving him to stand there slightly surprised. I am scared of what I am feeling but all the same I am drawn in. Every living inch of me tells me to give into what I am feeling. Wanting to feel complete and whole, when for so long I've wandered about broken and dazed. An incomplete existence. Now, though, I am aware of everything - the meaning, the act.

**The Love?**

Kami-sama, yes! Yet the word still finds me taken a back and inside I wonder if I am ready to accept such a thing. Yes I am young, I know that and I know what the word means. What it entitles and it is so daunting. Then, after consideration I realise that I need him and he needs me. No one else stands in my eyes as he does and make me feel like there is no world without him. Just the chance to feel inseparable, complete with one another. No one else will make me feel this way. Only him, Setsuna, because I do love him... So much so that everything hurts. It hurts to breathe; it hurts to live when we are apart. Knowing that he is somewhere nearby but I can't be with him and have him with me forever. He is here, though, and I do know he feels the same way. The way he looks at me, the way he holds me, as though afraid I would break in his arms tells me all this. But I'm not glass; I'm not that fragile. I can live and endure, and most of all I can feel emotions. They make me who I am.

I fall into his arms, and we stumble backwards, falling onto the bed. Lying there and holding one another, his heart beating fiercely against mine. Soft lips against my own, fingers entwined with each other. A dream, it feels like a dream I tell myself. So much happiness, it makes me feel as though my heart is about to cave in.

**It's unbearable**

Slow movement, his fingers breaking contact with mine to touch the skin on my face. A finger tracing a path from my temple down the side of my face to linger at my bottom lip. Raising his head to look down on me, with those eyes of his. I drink in the look of him. Forever impressed on my mind, the desperate elevated look on his face. The dark shadows cast by the dim lights of the room. The way his eyes became ambiguous, changing colours as I looked into them. The crease formed by his small smile, that I didn't event think he was aware of. Even with that smile, though, he looked slightly sad. I reached up, instinctively and cup the back of his head and prop myself up on one elbow and lean in to press my lips to his own.

**But beautiful at the same time**

His hands clumsily try to undo the buttons of my clothing. Not yet, I feel myself panic! I move uncomfortably and cry out, "Wait, Setsuna! Not so fast!"

Looking at me he says in a hoarse voice, " I've waited 15 years and if I wait any longer I'll turn into a fossil.

**Tiny movements made to be so much more**

With that he gives a small smile that shows that he too is nervous and I relax a little, though feeling a bit apprehensive in my stomach. Slower movements, yet still have the same intense effect upon me. I thread my fingers through is hair and kiss his forehead, each lidded eye and neck. His hand upon me and I close my eyes shut, breathing faster. Standing on the edge, as though waiting to dive down into the torrential waters that lay below.

**Wanting something forbidden**

Pressing forward, skin to skin the pain comes. Threading it's way somehow to my heart as my hands clench and I cry, tears fall. In the back of my mind I see ourselves, as we were, when we were small. Through the pain, pleasure, sadness, and happiness that were all coming at me in waves I can barely hear him ask me if it hurts.

**Biting into the apple, for so long kept away**

Yes and no. My heart... It hurts, but mostly because of the love that I feel is so overwhelming. It's as though I barely exist, though. Am I really here, with the person I care for the most? Yes I am and there is joy in that. Everything mounted against the pain surpasses it. There is no comparison to what I feel to be in his arms, being with him.

**See before you**

Memories keep rushing past me, when we were little, him asking if I were hurt. Nothing is the same now, I realise, as I break from underneath the surface of the waters I have dove into. Feeling that I've never had before envelope me, taking me in. And I feel as if I were drowning and had been brought back to life. Not of this world, not of this place. Setsuna's eyes float above mine, feverishly, the only feature I can make out as my eyes fill with tears. I take his hand and place it above my heart.

**I am waiting**

Reaching the peak of existence of this moment. Inside I am crying as the tears rolls from my eyes, down the side of my face, leaving cool trails. The warmth within me lingers, even as he pulls away from me. Eyes shut, chest rising to fall as he tries to catch his breath. Lying his head upon me as if to listen to the sound of my own heart, wonderfully joyous and melancholy, all at once. The emotions interweave, so much so that it is impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. Much like my own existence coupled with his own.

**And yet**

God, waiting for so long and seeing nothing up until now. So this is what it was all about. Strange, I feel odd and it's hard to describe how but when I think back to the person I was only a few minutes ago, there is something slightly different. Even though nothing has really changed about me and I am still the same person I was. I know, for I feel that I am. And yet, all the same, I am not.

**You realise that nothing compares**

I turn over onto my side, my back facing him as I think about this, the sheets rubbing against my skin. His hands caress my skin, bringing me back to the moment and I face him, climbing on top to look down at his flushed face, glimmering eyes, his lips, eyebrows, chin, and nose. Leaning forward ever so slowly until my forehead touches with his and we look into each other's eyes and he wraps his arms about me. Making me smile, as for once I have something quite real before me. This love.

**Even though nothing is quite the same.**

We can never go back now, to how things were. We've gone too far and too much has happened.


	5. offering

Author's Note – Wow, I've actually updated. A year later too, huh!? Anyways this chapter started out as something much larger initially, and then I decided that I needed something short, concise and yet something that really appeals to the fear we have of losing what's dear to us. Not meant to be showy but a slow transition back to the poignant sentences that started this story off.

Silence

Ch. 5

I think that I can believe that I am lost.

I have my happiness, I found it not so long ago... but to reach it was the most hurtful journey. Now I have him. So please take away my dark thoughts, I pray over and over again. I want my dreams to be taken away.

The water pouring from the faucet is like a spell. Not a drip but also not a waterfall. Collecting in the basin of the sink. The sound is so soothing. Resting my hand on the porcelain edge watching the tiny ripples and waves dancing until they die away and are replaced.

My heart beats at a steady tempo, I have nothing to be afraid of. I dip my hand up to my wrist in the water, and the back of my hand stings from the pain of the hot water. It fades away quickly and feels almost cold. I look at the illusion which water plays, making my hand look bigger as well as distorted. Bright waves of light through the water reflect into my face, blinding me for a moment.

Is it normal to wake up each morning to hear yourself crying? Silent cries that can only be heard in dreams. That echoes on even after I've awakened. I awoke yesterday and I couldn't breathe! Before I opened my eyes there was a pressure sitting on my chest and I felt so scared. Then when I opened them the horror left me. I could breathe again. It happened again today and I don't know why...

I'm nervous and Setsuna, strange things have happened. Awakening to finding the room bathed in white feathers. Is this punishment? For what? From who?

"I'm happy but I'm scared... isn't that stupid?" I say in a small voice to myself. And I cup both of my hands in the water and bring them to my face. Eyes open to that last moment, watching the water escape from the sides, and then closing them as I pour the water on my face. The water runs down my face in rivulets, tickling slightly.

"Sara, please stop crying," Setsuna said to me last night, "I don't want you to cry again now that we're together!" I haven't told him about my dreams. How they hurt me. I try not to cry anymore, I honestly do, but each day that passes this thing of fear gnaws more and more at my insides.

Perhaps I'm just paranoid, that thought flashes across my mind as I watch a droplet roll down my fingers into the basin.

I went back to the bedroom and crawled into the bed pulling the thin, white blankets over me. It's only 15 past 10 ... I think I can sleep a bit more.

Without those dreams. Please... It comes out almost like a prayer.

An offering of kisses...


End file.
